May 10 2005

update....brenton and i got back together....

thing started out great.....

went back to being the same.......

went through a lot of thinking and questioning.....

got plenty of advice.....

realized something.....

grew a pair and became a hypocrite because i said i was never going to hurt him like how he hurt me.....

broke up with him....

unsure, cried a lot......

became strong and reminded myself this was the right decision.....i hope.....

single life???!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DAHHHHHHH.....WTF IS GOING ON....right when i start to get over you you have to come back into my life? right when i start to feel like myself again you throw more emotions in my face...RIGHT WHEN I START TO UNDERSTAND AGAIN....YOU CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME.....*sigh*...i donno...i can't believe i actually had the balls to tell you no...that im not taking you back....but when it comes to you im weak...when it comes to you i get lost...when it comes to you....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO....i miss you sooo much....but i know that the pain that you put me through should totally cancel it out....i know that because all the sit you put me through i should make you suffer just like how i had....i know that because all the hurt and tears you made me go through i should do the EXACT SAME THING TO YOU....but i can't...i can't hurt you like how you hurt me... but because you hurt me soooo much i can't believe you any more...you say that you love me still...you say that you have changed...you say that you finally REALIZE....but how am i suppose to know that you're just putting a front...how am i suppose to know that you just want me back because that other gurl didn't work out for you....how am i suppose to know that you're not gonna do this to me all over again...HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE YOU WHEN EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME BEFORE WAS A LIE....i can't hurt you but, im gonna make you wait...you said you'll wait for me and that's wut im gonna make you do...IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME then you have to find some way to PROVE IT!!!!!!

~*~my head's saying FOOL FORGET HIM...but my heart's saying DONT LET GO.....~*~

~*~8/18/2004 2:10 p.m.~*~

Happy birthday To me.....so sad have to sing it to myself........turning 19 is the insignificant year....

~*~7/27/2004 5:51 p.m.~*~

this past weekend was pretty good...spent time with my friends...*who are truly the bestest and that i love* went to kauai for this church thing..it was actually funner than it sounds...got to hang out with friends i haven't seen in a long time...did some bad things that weren't meant to be done at a church function...lol...the best part was the fact that my suitcase went to hilo in stead of coming to oahu...lol...sad..so ya still waiting for it to come back home..hehehe..o wells...

today i went to my beach house...my most favorite place in the world....colette, norissa and kris came with me too...it was sooo much fun...we tanned and went swimming and played volleyball....it was really fun...o ya we also went to lani's and fed this trutle..it was sooo kewl...soo much fun...

finally my life is looking up....just hoping i dont see them together again..

starting to not miss him as much....yet the bitterness is growing....

~*~7/19/2004 10:03 p.m.~*~

i just thought i should update so people know that i didn't just crawl into a hole and die...even though i really felt like i wanted too. i guess i've come to realize that i can live on without him. it's funny becase i was the one who thought he loved me more than i loved him...i guess i was sadly mistaken huh...*sigh*...i just can't understand how he went from loving me to not having anything to do with me in like days...not months..or weeks...but days...and to make it worse i saw them together on sunday when i was working at surprise. i just totally broke down. i mean i knew i was going to see them together but i wasn't expecting soo soon. bad enough that i have to see just her when i go to longs, but to see them together. i guess he came down to have lunch with her on her lunch break. you would think that out of respect..or just the fact that we were together for over 2 years..he would try to keep distant to let me recover from this horriable break up. BUT NO!!! wut an ass ya. *sigh* so like i talked to my mom and she made things a little better...(talking to my mom a lot these days...for some reason she just makes me feel better). but she told me that THAT ISN'T THE BRENTON I FEEL IN LOVE WITH, BECAUSE THE BRENTON I FEEL IN LOVE WITH WOULD NEVER HURT ME LIKE THIS. it seems like it's all a bad dream...the one you truly love just turns on you and makes your life a living hell. our relationship went from being a dream come true and brenton being my prince charming to being a nightmare and brenton being the the horriable monster that haunts me in my sleep. he just changed so much right in front of me and i never saw it coming...how sad...i know i took him for granted tho..i know i did..and im truly sorry for that...it's sooo unfair that i have to be the miserable one and he's out there being happy. WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO BE HAPPY? i donno...maybe i needed this. i was sooo dependent on him and that could be a reason why he broke up with me. now i have to survive on my own. i know i have people all around me to support me, but when it comes down to the bottom line...only i can support myself. i guess i just have to be strong and maybe one day BRENTON WILL JUST GET EVERYTHING THAT HE DESERVES....KARMA!!!! what goes around comes around.  one day he'll get hurt just as bad as me and he'll realize how much i loved him...they say that some times you find a prince in a frog, but i found a frog in a prince...

~*~NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE THAT IS WILL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY...maybe just happy ones tho...~*~

i just also wanted to thank EVERYONE for being there for me..for all the sweet messeges and just being there for me when i needed to talk...you guys are the bestest and without you i know i would have gone crazy...you've made me realize that i CAN live without him....

So much for my happy ending 
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... 

Let's talk this over 
It's not like we're dead 
Was it something I did? 
Was it something you said? 
Don't leave me hanging 
In a city so dead held up so high 
On such a breakable thread 

You were all the things I thought I knew 
And I thought we could be 

CHORUS 
You were everything, everything that I wanted 
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it 
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away 
All this time you were pretending 
So much for my happy ending 
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... 

You've got your dumb friends 
I know what they say 
They tell you I'm difficult 
But so are they 
But they don't know me 
Do they even know you? 
All the things you hide from me 
All the shit that you do 

You were all the things I thought I knew 
And I thought we could be 

CHORUS 

It's nice to know that you were there 
Thanks for acting like you cared 
And making me feel like I was the only one 
It's nice to know we had it all 
Thanks for watching as I fall 
And letting me know we were done 

CHORUS X 2 

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... 

~*~7/15/2004 10:34 a.m.~*~